Metropolis Japan

July 22, 2013

The Negi

All the news that probably isn’t

Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on July 2013

Man Suspects Hostess Might Not Actually Like Him

A tense three-hour summit between customer Nakunaru Kane and hostess Nise Chibusa negotiating his “most favored customer” status came to a halt when Nakunaru suspected he might not actually be her favorite customer.

Citing fears over his large underwriting of infrastructure, structural reform costs for increased breast sizes, longer hair extensions and a chihuahua, Nakunaru explained to The Negi, “While we understand funding Ms. Nise is a benefit to all concerned, we fear that other outside parties may seek to take advantage of, or benefit from, our long-term investment in this mutually beneficial relationship. We hope future negotiations will allow a longer-term strategic partnership with a better understanding of our mutually-respected goals.”

A spokesperson for Nise explained, “One-hour, ¥5,000, two-drink minimum.”

Talks were rescheduled for a week Saturday evening to be held at Chiba’s Innocent Sunflower Girls Bar and Karaoke Pub.

American Anime Tourist Unimpressed by 3D Japan

While Japan has become a once-in-a-lifetime Mecca for millions of anime, manga and video game fans from across the globe, recently arrived American tourist Jill Galibrand has given the country low marks when presented in 3D. Her love of all things in 2D Japan apparently suffers in comparison to reality. The 18-year-old explained, “I had dreamed for so many years of one day standing at Hachiko station in Harajuku City and looking out at the country I planned to one day live forever in. Now I realize, you can’t smell animation.”

Dressed head to toe in her Comicon award-winning Sailor Moon outfit, she lamented how few people seemed to be in the spirit of things. “I was, like, one of the only people who seemed to put any thought into my costume. Everyone was dressed like business people or just… I don’t know… people. I mean, don’t they know this is Japan?”

Her hopes were brightened by the fact that day two of her tour included a visit to the world famous Akihabara district. “Akihabara sounds really awesome. Some guy who came over to compliment me on my thigh-high stockings told me all about
these great places in Akihabara where I can see awesome Japanese women wearing all kinds of different outfits!”

Japan to Elect New Guy to Do Something, But Probably Not

As the election heats up between rival factions of Japan’s political elite, literally dozens of people are interested. Across the nation vans circle the streets trumpeting election messages from candidates and white-gloved women wave from the windows. One analyst explained the unique Japanese tradition by saying, “In Europe or America, political messages may be dissected on the 24-hour news channels with nothing but unhealthy vitriol and squabbles, but in Japan we know that nothing explains a complicated political platform better than a bodiless arm waving out of the side of a moving vehicle at 8am with a scratchy speaker shouting the candidate’s name.”

Already accusations of election tampering are being heard from both sides, with members of the DPJ and LDP both accusing their opponents of “glove bleaching”—a process by which supporters gloves are soaked overnight in bleach to make them look particularly clean while waving.

Third, fourth and fifth party candidates are also getting into the mix, with the report of yet another new party being announced, the “Uyoku Japan-First Nationalist Singles Party.” A spokesman for this new ultra-right-wing party explained to The Negi, “We stand for a strong and unified Japan with regard to the modification of the constitution and national sovereignty. So if you are single, like dancing, the emperor and want to hang out on a street corner or drive around in a black van playing nationalist songs, we’re having a party this Saturday night at The Cove Club in Yotsuya.

Groper Upset By Train Delay

At 7:14am this past Friday, the south bound Saikyo line express train was delayed by a suicide resulting in a 45-minute delay along one of Tokyo’s most important commuter routes. Many morning commuters expressed frustration by the extended delays, including avid train chikan Oshiri Daisuke of Saitama. Though technically not late for anything in particular, Mr. Oshiri explained that the delay meant that it would be at least 45 minutes before he would be pressed against unwilling commuters of all ages and genders.

“Seriously, the selfishness of people is just amazing. Did that person think for one moment before throwing himself in front of the train the effect he would have on my day? It’s the ultimate breach of manners… I even wore my super thin sweat pants today.”

The set back, however, did not dissuade the highly determined Oshiri. He even found a silver lining, telling The Negi, “With the long delay, this train will be even more crowded.”