Metropolis Japan

April 1, 2010

Reporting the News Before it Happens

Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on April 2010

People Across Japan Suffer from Coworkers With Hay Fever

Japanese people suffering from whiny coworkers with hay fever are expected to have a particularly difficult spring, as the seasonal pollen count is predicted to be unusually severe this year. A government health advisory warns against potential side effects like “irritation of the coworker, mucus build-up in neighboring cubicles, and difficulty shutting up about it.”

The toll is being felt heaviest by those living or working nearest to allergy sufferers, who have already begun their yearly whining about itchy eyes and runny noses. Coworkers are preparing themselves by raising the volume of the office radio and avoiding all conversation with allergy sufferers.

“I can’t concentrate on my work at all,” said one Tokyo OL, who asked not to be identified. “Hiromi just will not drop it. I mean, I get it—your eyes itch. Tough shit. I didn’t go blabbering to you about it when I got gonorrhea. Then today she brings in an ionizing humidifier for her desk. I’m gonna pee in it when she’s at lunch.”

Job Hunting Black Suits “In” For 112th Consecutive Year

U.S. Senate Hearings Link Toyotas to Drunk Driving Accidents

Toyota executives faced hostile questioning from a US congressional subcommittee on Wednesday, as Senators investigate reports of numerous, often deadly accidents involving highly intoxicated drivers who lost control of their vehicles. It is believed that Toyota cars and trucks are prone to accelerate without warning and difficult to bring under control when operated by inebriated drivers.

In graphic, sometimes horrifying testimony, Toyota owner Dale Hicks recounted losing control of his Corolla on March 12, 2006.

“I was coming back from a night with my friends at Pete’s Tavern when I reached for the fifth of whiskey in the passenger seat,” Hicks said, in a sometimes wavering voice. “Suddenly, the car swerved. I tried to correct it, but the wheel spun out of my hands. I tried desperately to regain control, but the car wouldn’t respond. The more I tried, the more erratic it became. Fortunately, I was able to stop with the help of law enforcement officials.”

“These high-speed death traps must be taken off the road, before more of our nation’s innocent drunks are senselessly killed,” thundered Senator Christopher J. Dodd (D-Conn.). Toyota executives responded by announcing a new drunk-driving-friendly auto made entirely from Nerf and Styrofoam.

**Japanese Critics Lambaste The Cove for Lacking Idol Saying “Oishii”**

Oscar-winning documentary The Cove continues to stir up controversy in Japan, where critics argue that the film paints a one-sided picture of the dolphin slaughters in Taiji, Wakayama Prefecture.

“The concept that it is unlawful or immoral for the Japanese people to continue a centuries-old tradition is absurd,” said Fisheries Minister Sakana Ippai. “Because Americans think these animals are cute, they expect us to forget our own culture. For us Japanese, a 17-year-old idol eating a dolphin donburi is cute. But at no point in the movie did [the filmmakers] allow an adorable teen to remark how ‘Oishii’ this sea creature truly is. Without this, the film is biased and seems to suggest dolphins are smarter than our pop stars, which we know to be false. They are clearly equally intelligent.”

Colleagues Had no Idea of ESL Teacher’s Stellar Qualifications

By Brock Spore

Teachers at a Shinjuku-based English conversation school were stunned to learn that one of their colleagues is indeed qualified for his entry-level post. Vancouver native Ned Girth, 29, possesses a certificate saying he did in fact complete a two-hour intensive TESOL course at Winnipeg State University, where he learned the cognitive reasoning behind asking students about their sleep-filled weekends.

“We had no idea Ned was armed with such credentials,” said one intimidated instructor, whose master’s degree and PhD pale in comparison. “In fact, we would have never known about his qualifications if his framed certificate hadn’t been mounted on the wall over his desk.”

Confectioners Target “Pink Day” with Leftover Chocolate

By Peter Sidell

Confectioners and department stores across Japan are gearing up for a new holiday called “Pink Day” on April 14, when they hope to sell chocolate left over from Valentine’s Day and White Day.

Confectioners’ Association of Japan spokeswoman Chouko Daisuki dismissed suggestions that Pink Day is simply a cynical marketing ploy. “We’re actually reviving a long-standing Japanese tradition from the past, sometime,” she told The Negi. “It was customary for people to show affection on April 14th to everyone they knew with boxes of fancy chocolates and truffles. Anyone who didn’t was shunned, you hear me, shunned.”

Consumer response has been enthusiastic. “I can’t wait!’ said a 20-something OL in the Marunouchi business district. “My new hobby will be eating chocolate. I hope they have it every month!”

She may get her wish: an industry insider informed The Negi that, depending on Pink Day sales, there are plans to promote May 14 as “Cute Day.”