Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on May 2010

Illustration by Phil Couzens

Modifications Proposed To Make Children’s Day “Less Lame”

Japanese pre-teens have collected over 2.3 million signatures in an attempt to make Children’s Day “less lame, boring and stupid.” The petition, widely supported by the nation’s 4 to 12-year-olds, asks that a new “Children’s Day Gift” be added to the yearly celebration, on the condition that it “not be a flag of a carp or any other fish, or, really, any kind of lame-ass flag. The gift should be, like, a PlayStation 3 and not in any way traditional, or tradition-related, or lame or stupid.”

The proposal strongly condemns presents that are metaphorical in nature, including but not limited to “expensive samurai helmets you’re not allowed to wear, dolls for display purposes, and/or sweets made from natural ingredients.”

Japan’s 85 million adults could not be reached for comment.

New Immigration Office to be Opened on Miyakejima

In response to a surge of foreigners moving to Tokyo, the TMG has agreed on a plan to move its immigration center to Miyakejima, a volcanically active island in the Izu chain. The former office, accessible by bus from Shinagawa station and located next to Minato Ward’s trash incinerator, will be closed as of July 1.

Officials say the move was made in response to local residents’ complaints about living near the immigration center, as well as gripes by foreigners about the office’s inaccessibility.

“The new facility will be much larger to accommodate the increase in foreign residents,” said project manager Mina Detteiku at a press conference last week. “It will be accessible by boat from Hamamatsu pier, allowing gaijin to enjoy beautiful ocean scenery during the voyage. Of course, local Shinagawa residents will also enjoy the benefits of not having to ride on a bus full of Filipinos.”

Critics of the plan point out that the island’s active volcano requires a gas mask be worn at all times, which may deter some foreigners. Detteiku responded by smiling and nodding his head.

U.N. to Allow Limited “Research” Hunts of Japanese

In a last-minute diplomatic breakthrough on Friday, the UN Committee on Scientific Progress agreed to allow limited hunting of Japanese for “research purposes.” Proponents of the new regulations cheered the agreement, which continues the centuries-old practice of culling adult Japanese while at the same time enforcing strict new guidelines. For example, hunters will be forbidden to use exploding harpoons or poisoned Pocky.

Japan’s Health & Human Services minister Zettai Yada lambasted the decision, saying that previous UN committees have concluded that the Japanese are a protected species. Supporters responded by pointing out that the hunts will in no way endanger the survival of the Japanese race as a whole.

“The knowledge we gain from these scientific culls is invaluable,” one hunter told The Negi. “For example, by examining the stomach of freshly killed Japanese carcasses, we can learn more about their diet of noodles and fermented beans. That information is crucial if we are ever to understand these fascinating creatures.”

China Invades Philippines, Blames Japan

By Dax Oliver

In a move that took military analysts and world leaders by surprise, China invaded the Philippines on Friday, claiming the territory as a “special economic zone” and establishing a puppet government in Manila. Officials in Beijing say the move was the result of provocation by Japan.

“The Japanese Empire’s continued denial of its wartime past, combined with recent moves towards militarization, require us to take action,” said Premier Wen Jiabao. After a brief pause to authorize the execution of a political opponent, Jiabao added, “Japan must stop threatening the peace with its unapologetic attitudes.”

Reactions in Japan were mixed. While Tokyo Governor Shintaro Ishihara hurried to organize a volunteer fighting force to “take the Philippines back,” other politicians could not be extracted from their fetal positions long enough to make a statement. The average Japanese citizen seemed largely unaware of the invasion, except those who frequent maid cafes and/or hostess bars.

Gov to Kick-Start Economy with Boy Band Banknotes

In a bid to modernize Japan’s currency while at the same time bolstering consumer spending, the finance ministry has authorized a redesign of ¥1,000 banknotes with the likeness of popular J-pop band Arashi.

“The former design featuring [novelist] Natsume Soseki will be abandoned,” explained ministry spokesperson Atarashi Kanemi. “We have decided to promote more relevant social icons, like Ninomiya and Sakurai-kun.”

Opponents of the new design fear that the bills will be hoarded by fans, leading to a dangerous decrease in the nation’s money supply.