After 45 years and more than 6,000 movies, this is my first review of a movie that I have not and do not intend to see. In my defense, it’s not actually a movie, but an obsequious, $75 million bribe about a soulless, gold-digging Slovenian “model” with bad taste in men who got in over her head. It resists review. Life’s too short to drink cheap beer. 

But I thought it would be amusing to pass on a little of the buzz that’s going around. 

“Even if you watch this on an airliner, you may walk out.”

“Outtakes from an innocuous reality show.”

“Trance-inducing screen saver.”

“Might go watch Melania at a theater so I can spend some time alone.”

This cornball informercial barely eked out a rating of 4 out of 100 on the Metacritic critics’ aggregate site. Most of the film crew asked that their names be removed from the credits. The director has been accused of being a sexual predator. Maybe a better title would be Send Help.

Trump will probably try to buy her an Oscar. Maybe FIFA can cobble one together. You probably won’t learn much about this vacuous, airbrushed airhead, but in her own words, “I really don’t care. Do you?” Thank you for your attention to this matter. (104 min)