Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on June 2010

©2009 Spy Next Door, LLC

Jackie Chan is a Chinese CIA agent (lots of those) who retires to be with his neighbor girlfriend and her three exceptionally annoying kids. The kids hate him until they all get together and fight off some Home Alone bad guys with Boris-and-Natasha accents while Jackie falls down a lot. If this sounds entertaining, you’re probably seven. It’s sad indeed to see the great but aging Chan reduced to this grating TV-level crap. It’s True Lies meets The Pacifier, directed by the moron who gave us the equally insipid The Flintstones, Beethoven and Snow Dogs. Note to Billy Ray Cyrus: Please stop acting.