Beastly

Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on February 2012

In this tiresomely mediocre attempt to shoehorn Beauty and the Beast into the age of text messaging and high-school popularity politics, a good-looking and popular, but egomaniacal, prep school kid (the astoundingly limited Alex Pettyfer of I Am Number Four) is transformed by a miffed witch classmate into a hideous monster (but still one sexy and stylish enough for the target Twilight tweens). He must obtain a confession of true love from a girl (the annoying Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical) within a year or he’ll stay that way. Snore. Choppy, perfunctory, brain dead and lives up to its name.