Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on August 2013

Dear Johnny Depp: You’re many people’s favorite actor. And your fans and I like to think you’re in the acting biz for more than the money, of which at this point in your wondrous career you must have plenty. So we think maybe you should consider not working for evil, bland filmmaking entities like Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer anymore. Sure, you made those pirate movies worth watching, at least the first one, but Alice in Wonderland? Seriously? (Tell me it’s not true you’re doing a friggin’ sequel, and without Tim Burton.) And now this charmless Disney/Bruckheimer turkey, The Lone Ranger. Your Tonto is a bizarre clown in Kiss Army makeup, a sedated Jack Sparrow in moccasins with a dead crow on his head. He’s no Jay Silverheels. And Armie Hammer as the title ranger is now Tonto’s bumbling sidekick. What’s up with that? Then there are the tonal inconsistencies and the bloated two-and-a-half-hour running length. Well, it’s just Pirates of the Caribbean run aground in 19th-century Utah, isn’t it? Did you think we wouldn’t notice? I couldn’t stop comparing it to a Road Runner cartoon—except those are funny. Sincerely, etc.