Metropolis Japan

September 12, 2013

The Negi

All The News That's Fit To Flush

Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on September 2013

IN AN EFFORT TO INCREASE PUBLIC CONFIDENCE TEPCO LAUNCHES NEW MASCOT

Hard hit by public outrage over its perceived inept handling of the ongoing Fukushima catastrophe, TEPCO has announced a new all-out push to reassure the public of its ability to solve the crisis by unveiling a new clean up mascot, Cesium-kun. The cartoon character has received mixed reviews so far. A Tokyo PR consultant and crisis management specialist told The Negi, “This move shows us that TEPCO does indeed have the ability to clean up the mess this disaster has made of its public image and of nuclear power. They clearly have put their best minds to work figuring out how to prevent any other leaks of confidence in their brand.”

Another expert noted that given the sensitivity of this ongoing issue and its possible effects on public health and the national economy: “Are you F#$%in’ kidding me?”

NEW SPECIES OF DEEP SEA FISH DISCOVERED NEAR ANTARCTICA, SUSHI SHOPS SCRAMBLE TO UPDATE MENUS

In an exciting breakthrough in the world of marine biology, scientists have discovered several new species of fish and cephalopod in the icy depths of the Antarctic. Researchers call it a breakthrough and say it will lead to deeper understanding of the oceans’ habitats, as well as possible clues as to the very origins of life on earth. Japanese restaurateurs are also expressing their enthusiasm over the discovery.

“These previously undiscovered specimens are unlike anything we have seen before,” says oceanographer Dr. Piscis Hooker of the new find. “They bear superficial resemblance to many known species, but also traits seen in ancient fossil remains as well.”

The scientist says the new discoveries may be a surviving link between the sea creatures that faced mass extinctions during the late Jurassic period and modern fish that have survived due to their ability to live at extreme depths.

Gari Ippai, a veteran sushi master of 50 years and proprietor of famed Ginza eatery Sushi Zenbu, echoes the excitement of the scientific team.

“We still know very little about these magnificent creatures. Will they be better as sashimi? Should they be served as nigiri sushi? What amount of wasabi is appropriate, and how much do we charge? We still have so many unanswered questions. We may even be looking at a whole new kind of pickled or dried fish.”

98% OF MEN REPORT MORNING MUSUME NOT ATTRACTIVE, “TOTALLY TOO YOUNG… HONESTLY”

In a recent study conducted by wives and girlfriends across Japan, over 98 percent of men reported no physical attraction to members of the teen, all-girl J-pop group Morning Musume. The number one response to the survey was “What? Are you crazy? No… I was just flipping through the channels. I couldn’t find NHK.”

Follow up questions in the study elicited the replies: “They all look the same to me,” “Those costumes are ridiculous anyway,” “I don’t think we should let our son watch this,” “Nobody is that limber,” “Really, they are probably like, 23 or something,” and “I love you honey.”

ENGLISH TEACHER EXPLAINS EVERYTHING TO STUDENTS

In what he reported as “another amazing lesson,” 23-year-old teacher Brad Parsons explained how he was able to connect to his students on a deeper level than just “English study.” Said Parsons, “I was finally able to reach them. It started like most lessons, with a simple phrase from the textbook. But before long I was really opening their minds to all the waste in society, as well as their complicit role in the establishment that continues to suppress their ability to live full lives. I mean, forget this, ‘My hobby is… ’ BS. I told them: they need to live with passion. Then I got into what really happened in World War II, and what is actually happening to the environment and of course women’s rights and a lot of socio-economic stuff: racism, urban sprawl and the semester where I studied aboriginal art. When they walked out of that room, they were literally speechless.”

When asked about the lesson, a middle-aged professor of anthropology at Tokyo University and father of four replied “I just asked about conjugating the irregular verb ‘to be’”