Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on September 2009

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A Steven Seagal zombie movie. I’m not kidding. Sometimes I think Steven does stuff like this just to make my job more fun. Most of it is boring footage of survivors wandering through a deserted, post-apocalyptic hospital trying to stay out of the way of pointy-toothed flesh-eaters. This would be a crappy movie even without Steven. These scenes are interspersed with a (very) few shots of the Great Ponytailed One (his name is Tao!) walking around (and walking around some more) exuding confidence and leading a band of kick-ass fellow zombie-slayers, occasionally dispatching a few undead with this cool samurai sword (backed up by a shotgun) and having his voice double utter such profundities as, “We don’t judge who’s right or wrong, just who lives or dies.” Classic. Sometimes he just squints them to death. Or undeath. Whatever. He wears the same tent-sized black leather overcoat you’ve seen him filling out in many of his recent movies. All the women sport impressive cleavage. It’s like exec-producer Steven bought some cheapie zombie flick and wrote himself into it. Pretty funny, though, if you’re thoroughly drunk.