Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on November 2011

For Eric Carter, the first half of 2010 was marked by change. In February, he gave up his job as a management consultant to stay at home and look after the kids. Three months later, he and his family moved from Connecticut to Tokyo. With his wife at work and kids in school, Carter needed to forge a social life for himself. Online searches for groups proved fruitless—so he decided to set up his own.

Within two weeks, a dozen pops had signed up for Tokyo Stay At Home Dads, and a calendar of social events appeared in the diary.

“I founded the group because I was a new stay-at-home dad and was looking for other educated and intelligent dads with whom to socialize,” says Carter. “None of us needed tips on how to change diapers, scrub toilets or find the best deal on groceries. What we needed and wanted were some fellow guys to hang out with, like we all did at home before moving to Japan.”

Although open to all nationalities, the group only attracted expats. Some were long-term residents of Japan; others, new arrivals. They came from a variety of backgrounds and included former teachers, venture capitalists, diplomats and entrepreneurs.

As well as providing a much-needed social life, the new organization kept him sane. “Being around mostly children and moms at school can be tough enough,” says the 43-year-old. “I think it is a difficult transition to go from a well-paying career to earning zero income. Also, being a really good parent is hard work. It was good to know you weren’t alone.”

In August, Carter and his family moved back to Connecticut and he has since set up a similar group in his hometown. The group he founded continues to meet up under the name of Tokyo Dads: organizing poker nights, going to Sumo tournaments and watching the Super Bowl.

While “stay-at-home dads” is the term most commonly bandied about, it seems to be a misnomer for many of these men, who spend much of their time out of the house. Ed Holdaway, a father of two who used to work for the Australian Department of Finance, now teaches English part-time. “It more than pays for entertainment and beer,” he says.

Khanh Pham, a 41-year-old from San Diego, is the homeroom parent at his son’s school and a substitute teacher at his daughter’s preschool, while Primoz Klemencic from Toronto recently climbed Mount Fuji with the Tokyo American Club’s Women’s Group.

“Many people think of the Tokyo American Club as a luxury, but for me, it’s a part of survival,” says the 58-year-old father of two teenage girls. As one of just a handful of men who have joined the Women’s Group, Klemencic says he hasn’t found the gender difference to be a barrier. “They are quite welcoming. In fact, the only thing they won’t do for us is change the name of the organization.”

The former IT salesman became a full-time parent ten years ago when he and his family were living in Kansas. “Both my wife and I traveled a lot for work, so we had nannies. As the kids got older, they started to boss the nannies around, so when my company was bought by another company, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home dad.”

The move enabled Klemencic to become more involved in the local community, something he felt passionately about. He got involved in raising funds for children’s and youth causes, started supporting a homeless shelter and became president of the neighborhood residents’ association.

The problem of labeling irks some of the Tokyo Dads members. “What do you call people like us?” laments Holdaway, whose wife works for the Australian Embassy. “‘Trailing spouses’ makes me feel like I’m a dog on a leash. ‘Accompanying spouses’ would be better.”

Whatever you choose to call it, the transition from working in an office to being in charge of the children and the upkeep of the home can be a difficult one, characterized—at least initially—by loneliness.

For Pham, whose children are five and three, the first year in this new position was “pretty difficult.” He stopped working as an elementary school teacher over four years ago since the salary wouldn’t have covered the cost of childcare. Despite feeling at home doing nappy-changes from having grown up with young nieces and nephews, he quickly discovered this wasn’t an automatic ticket to play-dates. “Although a lot of mums are understanding, some are cautious and unwelcoming. One specific mum’s group told me I couldn’t participate.”

Michael Zolkewitz, who has three children ranging from four to eleven, gained his Doctorate in Environmental Science before moving to Japan. “I do miss working,” he admits. “I miss the day-to-day experience of going somewhere, being productive, the personal development and the contact with colleagues.” He adds, “The social aspect is not entirely fulfilling. While all the mums are extremely supportive, it’s not that easy for me to integrate into their social network. I’m not joining them for coffee after drop-off. That said, I am totally comfortable being the only dad in a group of mums.”

Thus, his involvement in the PTA of his daughter’s school provides him with a much-needed “connection with adults,” and he is actively involved with the Tokyo Dads. “It’s great to have some camaraderie.”

Despite the challenges, most seem to agree that the pay-off is a good one. Primarily, this is a tighter bond with their children.

“Right now I feel very lucky with my situation,” says Zolkewitz. “My relationship with my kids has been enhanced and is very strong. At the same time, our kids go to my wife with their problems as much as they do to me. They still value Michelle as a mum and me as a dad.”

Pham says that he didn’t see it as a bonus at first. “Now I see that it has been a privilege to watch my children grow up.”

For Holdaway, whose kids are in school full-time, the move to homemaker has given him a much-needed rest. “I hadn’t had a break in 15 years. I had over 200 days of leave left. I’ve had three or four careers and this is the one I have enjoyed the most. It’s an opportunity to spend a lot more time with my kids—and I also get to exercise more.”
A knock-on effect has been an improvement in his relationship with his wife. “We have a really positive dynamic, since I am much more relaxed.”

This feedback won’t come as a surprise to Dr. Anna Moore, a Clinical Psychologist at Tokyo English Life Line (TELL) Children and Families. “Stay-at-home dads are in good psychological shape, according to research done in the US,” she says. “In fact, there is evidence to suggest many are doing as well, if not better, in terms of psychological well-being, as fathers who work outside the home. The data shows that many of these men feel confident in their roles as dads. Yes, they learn to be nurturing and affectionate, but these traditionally ‘feminine’ qualities do not seem to be acquired at the expense of their sense of masculinity.”

Dr. Moore adds that because the role is often taken on by choice rather than obligation, most of the dads “embrace their new role.”

While the men themselves are broadly positive about their status, the response from others is more varied. “I think that some working dads are envious of me,” says Zolkewitz. “But, would they want to switch with me? I don’t think so. It’s not easy being at home. There is so much multitasking to do and it’s a lonely job, since there are not many dads that do it.”

In Japan, a country where around 40 percent of fathers get in from work after 9pm, and paternity leave is almost non-existent, a stay-at-home-dad is something of a curiosity. Says Zolkewitz: “When I go to the playground with my kids, Japanese mums always ask me if I have a day off. When I tell them my situation, they are always amazed that a dad would want to do something like this. I think they are impressed.”

Some of the dads use the conversation to poke fun at their situation. Holdaway tells inquirers that he is a yukan shijin, a play on yukan madam (“lady of leisure”). “I tell them I’m a trophy husband,” he laughs.

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