Feb 4, 2010

Feb 4, 2010

If you need the news, buy a newspaper.


Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on February 2010

Japan Ends Mideast Refueling Mission; Crew Returns to Work at Eneos

Fulfilling one of its key campaign pledges, the DPJ has recalled all Maritime Self-Defense Force ships from their refueling missions in support of the US-led War on Terror. With their involvement ended, thousands of MSDF crewmembers are returning to their previous jobs at gas-station chain Eneos. “Their presence will be missed,” said a spokesman for the coalition forces. “Where else could we possibly get oil in the Middle East? Thankfully, Japan stepped in to help fill the gap.”

Meanwhile, the admiral of one US ship that had received fuel from the MSDF said, “It’s not just the loss of materials that is unfortunate—the Japanese refueling ships were great for morale. They always made sure our windows were completely spic and span, not to mention how cute they looked in those little orange outfits with the baseball caps. Oh, and let’s not forget the fantastic selection of oden onboard the refueling vessels’ convenience store.”

Gov. Considers Granting Voting Rights to Pets & Foreigners

In what critics are deriding as a cynical form of social gerrymandering, the ruling DPJ announced plans to enfranchise a disparate range of groups, including anime figures, pets and foreigners. “This move will give voting rights to factions that are likely to support the DPJ in future re-election bids,” says Waseda University political analyst Itsumo Shiranai. “For example, to imagine that figurines would vote for a post-Aso LDP is impossible. By the same token, the Chihuahua and Stanford University alumni vote would be energetically pro-DPJ.”

Shiranai warned, however, that the move has the potential to backfire. “Let’s not forget persnickety voting blocks such as cats and Africans; historically, they have been consistently pro-LDP.”

Reflexologist Finds Location on Bottom of Foot That Corresponds to Feet

By Brock Spore

Noted reflexologist Junko Suzuki of the Suzuki Foot Foundation claims to have discovered the holy grail of the foot massage industry: a location on the bottom of the foot that is spiritually, some say physically, linked to the foot.

“I was doing a deep oil foot maintenance procedure on a client suffering from a malfunctioning liver when he said, ‘Hey, that makes my feet feel great’,” Suzuki tells The Negi. The actual location, which Suzuki will only describe as “between the heel and the toes” has shown great promise in relieving pain and discomfort that can occur on the foot’s underside.

“We take our research very seriously in this industry,” she says. “Naturally, since each part of the foot bottom corresponds with a different part of the body, we always assumed foot pain could only be relieved by applying pressure to, say, the lower back or calf. Instead, the location my team and I have discovered is showing great promise.”

This unexpected find has led to speculation that such common ailments as lower-back pain or sore muscles might best be dealt with by applying direct pressure to the areas involved, rather than indirectly via the bottom of the foot.

“Uh, well, no,” replied Suzuki, “That would imply some negative results and be detrimental to a lot of us.”

Japan Donates Origami Paper, Crane Instructions to Haiti

As governments around the world mobilize their relief efforts for earthquake-ravaged Haiti, Japan is pitching in by donating tons of disaster origami paper and instructions on how to make paper cranes. Along with shipments of raw materials and how-to booklets, over 100 crane-folding specialists have been dispatched to ensure the aid is distributed and used effectively.

“Throughout its history, Japan has suffered many disasters, both natural and manmade,” said mission leader Sujime Ichimai at a press conference at Narita Airport shortly prior to departure. “But the restorative power of thousands of folded origami cranes has helped us recover each time.” As of press time, almost half of the materials had been distributed, with reports coming in that most are being used as kindling for mass cremations in Port-au-Prince.

Visiting Ku Klux Klan member surprised, confused

News in Brief

  • Yamanote Driver Has Crazy Déjà Vu
  • Oni Hospitalized After Vicious Dried- Bean Assault
  • 10-Year-Old Girl Told Not to Touch Hina Matsuri Dolls
  • Otaku Excitedly Awaits Valentine’s Chocolate Mailed to Self
  • JR Develops Vomit-Retardant Platform Coverings
  • Kanji-less Foreign Commuter Pretty Sure Train Ad is for Hemorrhoid Cream or Life Insurance