Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on September 2010

According to The Mainichi Daily News, a DPJ education panel has “recommended the establishment of a research institute for bizarre and non-mainstream scientific inquiry… [T]he institute would hopefully re-evaluate uniquely Japanese methods and themes that would then be cultivated and passed down to aid in the development of future generations.” Here are some lines of inquiry we’d like to see:

• A time-traveling expedition organized for the purpose of preemptively assassinating the schmuck who invented kanji
• A mechanism for pegging the yen to foreign currencies that’s based on the actual strength of the Japanese economy
• An initiative to convert matter into anti-matter for the purpose of cramming more people onto the Saikyo line during rush hour
• Vocal implant technology that allows users to speak any language at the push of a button; money saved by eliminating English instruction budget will let government make high school textbooks even longer
• A force field surrounding Tsukiji fish market that repels only foreign tourists
• Three words: maguro ice cream