Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on December 2010

Illustration by Phil Couzens

[Editor’s note: After we went to press, the Japan Post announced they’ll be resuming air shipment to the US of packages over 16oz (clearly someone got hold of an advance draft of our scathing rebuke). But the deadline for packages to arrive by Christmas is Dec 10, so you’d better hurry!]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s come to my attention that the Grinch is alive and well. Apparently, the “nasty, wasty skunk” has left his mountain abode and is now working at the US Transportation Security Administration.

To the thousands of frustrated travelers who’ll be pouring through America’s airports come Christmas, this is probably not news. The TSA has recently been criticized for everything from inappropriate use of body scan photos to a YouTube video showing a young boy being strip-searched by gate agents. In fact, it seems like every day there’s a new report of misconduct and general Grinchiness by TSA staff. Making sure that no one wants to set foot in an airport certainly puts the kibosh on Christmas.

That’s one of the best arguments for expats to spend their winter vacation here in Japan. By celebrating the holidays Tokyo-style—with a bucket of fried chicken and Kohaku on the tube—we can relax in the knowledge that all the hassle will never affect us. After all, we can simply mail off a box of lovingly selected goodies from Kiddy Land and Daiso and wait for the thank-you emails to roll in. All the glory, none of the drama.

But thanks to several new security regulations, it seems that everyone’s favorite present thief has, indeed, found a way to keep Christmas from coming after all.

It started in October, when explosives disguised as printer cartridges made it past airport security and on to a Chicago-bound flight before being discovered by British police. Bureaucratic panic ensued, and the internet was abuzz with news that more stringent checks would soon come into effect. But still, not our problem, right?

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago when a disturbing message appeared on the website of the Japan Post (on a Japanese page only, of course): as of November 17, airmail service to the US would no longer be available for packages weighing 1 pound or more. But not to worry, the message continued, heavier packages can still be sent… via sea. Too bad the recommended slow-boat shipping deadline for Christmas packages was October 22. Maybe cousin Jimmy won’t mind if his Christmas present turns into an Easter one.

A few days later, the takkyubin folks chimed in with an announcement of their own. Good news: Kuroneko will still airmail your Christmas presents despite the new regulations. There’s just one catch—senders are required to include the recipient’s Social Security or IRS number. Seriously? Most Americans I know aren’t even sure where their Social Security card is. And while it’s true that there was a brief period during my college application days when I could rattle off my SSN from memory, it’s been about eight years since I was able to dredge up more than three or four of the nine digits. Besides which, calling up Uncle Joe the conspiracy theorist and asking him to share personal information over the phone is probably going to cancel out whatever brownie points you might have gotten for sending the gift in the first place.

FedEx, on the other hand, seems to be taking this crisis as an opportunity to dust off its Santa suit. We hear that as long as the package is labeled as a “gift” and worth less than $100, they won’t ask for a Social Security number. Very gracious, but it begs the question—why only them? Maybe the whole scheme is a plot by those Grinches-in-sheep’s-clothing over at FedEx. We may never know the truth.

What’s important, though, is that despite his best efforts, the Grinch can never truly win. Because in the end, we just have to remember the words of Dr. Seuss himself:

“Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more.”

Hey, at least Skype is still free!