Note: Foul language ahead. In art-house pornographer Gaspar Noé’s latest semi-autobiographical journey up his own ass (Irreversible, Enter the Void), a young American film student in Paris, a Noé proxy, falls in lust/love with a local hottie, and they have good-looking sex (to Erik Satie music, so you know it’s, like, art). And then they have some more sex. And then some more.

In between they talk about themselves, and you wish they’d just get back to the sex. Then they involve their sweet teenage neighbor in a ménage a trois, she gets pregnant, hottie walks out, and the rest of the movie is this misogynistic, self-pitying sad sack pissing and moaning about his lost true love.

The (unsimulated) sex scenes are admittedly well done if static, but become steadily gratuitous after the first dozen or so. And it’s in 3D! You may not want to sit in the first row. It’s visually striking, but a tad film-school gimmicky (the enfant terrible Noé is now a middle-aged man).

The acting is uniformly amateur, none of the characters is remotely likable, the writing’s infantile, it’s way too long, and it’s pointlessly self-referential (the baby’s named “Gaspar”).

Readers know that as a rule I eschew profanity in these reviews, but there are only two words that accurately describe this pretentious, narcissistic dreck: fucking boring.

Note: Japan’s censors have pretty much shredded any and all erotic scenes. Jeez, why bother importing it at all? So if you insist on seeing it, I suggest finding an alternate source. (135 min)