Nov 5, 2009

Nov 5, 2009

All the news that we can make up


Originally published on on November 2009

English Teacher Makes Big Life Step, Buys Sofa

In a scene of tense anticipation and raw emotion, Don Pinderson, a 24-year-old teacher for the Jyabba language school chain, purchased his first-ever piece of furniture at Don Quixote early Wednesday. Speaking to The Negi only moments after checking out with the black, low-lying vinyl sofa, Pinderson tried to describe his feelings.

“I am really doing this: I’m buying furniture,” explained the two-year Tokyo resident. “I mean I’ve had furniture before, but it was just recycled pre-owned stuff,” he continued, referring to the sodai gomi he found while walking home drunk from The Tub, a British-style pub he frequents.

“This is the first big step for me towards building a solid life here. Today it’s a sofa; maybe in a year or two a table, so I won’t have to eat while sitting on the floor. Perhaps one day I’ll even have a wife and my own darling little baby. But I think I’ll need at least an eight-tatami apartment to fit all that.”

Researchers Develop 100 Percent Effective Anti-Flu Mask
Photo by Julio Shiiki

Photo by Julio Shiiki

In response to scientific studies indicating that current disposable flu masks are, at best, only partly effective against infection, Kanagawa-based pharmaceutical company Takeda Saiaku has developed a new clinical mask that it claims allows zero contaminants to enter the user’s respiratory system. The loose-fitting, bag-shaped, “non-osmotic plastic shield” completely envelops the wearer’s head and is sealed tightly at the neck, allowing nothing in or out of the protective head-bubble. An encouraging first clinical trial showed that a test group of 60 subjects all died from natural causes, with none displaying even trace infection of the H1N1 virus.

Shibuya Officer Honored for 50,000th Inconveniencing of Pedestrian

In a gala ceremony at the Tokyo Metropolitan Police headquarters in Kasumigaseki, a beaming Governor Shintaro Ishihara presented officer Tsukai Mendo with a medal of accomplishment for his 50,000th unnecessary delay of a pedestrian and/or cyclist. Over the course of his 40-year career as a Tokyo cop, Mendo has stopped and inspected over 30,000 perfectly legally owned and registered bicycles, as well as interrogating and verifying the complete innocence of at least 20,000 local residents and foreign tourists. Speaking to reporters after the ceremony, Ishihara noted, “With this man’s fine work, we can look back at a career that has seen absolutely zero wrongdoing go noticed under his watch.”

Photo by Julio Shiiki

Photo by Julio Shiiki

As a modern kind of gal, I think it’s only fair that women be treated as equal members of society—NOT solely as objects for male gratification. I am speaking directly to the male foreign readers of this magazine, who in my experience seem incapable of letting me walk down the street without casting their lecherous gaze my way. I’ve made it a point to look at each foreign man I pass, and every time I do, just what do you think they’re doing? You guessed it—leering at me! Sure, most of them are tall, muscular, well-dressed and respectable-looking men. Handsome, debonair men who pulsate with the raw power of masculinity. But my point is, every time I watch them walking past me, they seem incapable of keeping their eyes to themselves. It’s just rude to blatantly check out women on the street like that. So, fellas, be warned—I’ve got my eye on you. -Miso Atsui


Boy, the Japanese sure have a lot of idiosyncratic customs and traditions. As a foreigner doing my best to adapt to life here, I often find myself experiencing cultural miscommunications. I know that subtle differences in dress, language and mannerisms can lead to serious confusion, but c’mon—how was I supposed to know she wasn’t a prostitute?!? For chrissakes, that chick was wearing clear heels, fishnets and a corset with no top! I’m not saying there are universal fashion rules, but “clear heels” pretty much equals “sex for money.” Well, at least I’ve learned not to make assumptions about other people. Like, never assume a woman is a prostitute—just accept her for the tall, broad-shouldered salaryman she is underneath all that mascara. -John Oftenton

News in Brief
  • Tokyoite Wearing Bling with No Sense of Irony
  • Gaijin Tarento Masters Being White and Blonde On Screen
  • Crowded-Train Farter Struggles to Look Innocent
  • DNA Testing Exonerates Man from Vomit on Yamanote Platform
  • Black Dude On Saitama Semipro Basketball Team Admits: “Not Really Trying That Hard”
  • Hatoyama’s Mediocrity Soaring in Third Month in Office
  • Shibuya Host’s Hair Becomes Self-Aware