Oct 1, 2009

Oct 1, 2009

All the news that we can make up


Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on October 2009

Foreigner Accuses “Racist” Vending Machine of Refusing His ¥1,000 Bill

In an incident that has sparked debate amongst media pundits, social analysts, bloggers and regular citizens, a foreign resident of Tokyo has accused a JR ticket vending machine of racism. The alleged case of discrimination occurred at 12:32pm last Thursday when, according to the complainant, the machine refused to accept a perfectly new and clean ¥1,000 bill on at least six occasions. A lawyer speaking on behalf of the man, whose name has yet to be made public, issued a statement saying, “This is an open and free society, and there should be no reason why my client should be denied service simply due to his national identity. We will be pursuing the necessary legal channels to see that my client is compensated for the emotional stress and embarrassment caused by this unfeeling, unthinking machine.” The statement goes on to say that, after repeated refusals by the ticket dispenser to take his money, the complainant was finally able to find a nearby machine that was not “a gaijin-hating racist xenophobe.”


By Peter Sidell
Prime Minister’s Brother to Head Anti-Nepotism Taskforce

Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama surprised political observers last week by appointing his younger brother, Yukuno, as head of a taskforce created to tackle nepotism. The newly appointed bureaucrat has been given an unlimited budget to stamp out the practice of handing cushy jobs to family members.

The younger Hatoyama has no previous political experience, having worked for the last 21 years as a clerk at an office supplies wholesaler in Saitama. “His lack of knowledge makes him perfect for this post,” explained the Prime Minister. “He’ll be able to bring a fresh, open perspective to his investigations, along with plenty of stationery.”

Early next week, Yukuno will embark on a prolonged fact-finding mission that sees him visit Thailand, Las Vegas and a three-week tour of Italy. “In order to effectively tackle corruption, I must make a detailed study of corrupt regimes,” he explained. “This demonstrates my absolute commitment to fighting the scourge of nepotism, along with my wife and children.”

Conbini Worker “Very Excited” About Moe-chan’s Breakup

Convenience store night shift worker and Saitama resident Kiboga Moteru, 46, has informed The Negi that he is “overjoyed” about the news that Japanese supermodel Moe Oshikiri has ended her four-year relationship with baseball player Takahiko Nomaguchi. “It’s really all starting to come together now,” a euphoric Moteru explained at 3am this morning while restocking sandwiches at the Sakusu store in Urawa-Misono. “I mean, I’ve been visiting my local shrine every day for years. I was beginning to think all of my offerings to my ancestral spirits were going unheard. Of course, I feel some guilt for coming between them, but it had to happen eventually.” Moteru expressed hope that after giving the iconic model some time to reflect and heal, their own relationship will develop quickly. “I have every issue of Popteen, Vivi, CanCam and AneCan she’s ever been in. I feel as though I already know her so well. But we still have so much mutual self-discovery ahead of us.” A spokesman for Oshikiri denies any romantic connection between the model and Moteru, “either now or until hell freezes over.”

DPJ Vows to Continue LDP Stance that Runway Models are “Smokin Hot”

DPJ Vows to Continue LDP Stance that Runway Models are “Smokin Hot”

Visiting Family Shown a Selected Portion of Son’s Life in Tokyo

From the heartfelt airport greeting to the final tearful goodbyes, a visit by the parents of Tokyo-based hedge fund manager Jim Jameson was a chance to share a very selectively chosen slice of his life in a foreign country. The busy itinerary took in many of Tokyo’s tourist hotspots, including Asakusa’s Senso-ji temple, Ryogoku sumo stadium, and a series of kaiseki restaurants. However, Jameson admitted to The Negi that the visit excluded several of his usual haunts, including “entertainment establishment” Sexy Legs and his favorite tachinomiya, where he goes by the nickname “Chunder.” While Jameson was able to introduce his family to a number of his friends and coworkers, the tight schedule did not allow time to meet Jin Wa, his favorite Roppongi masseuse, or his long-time Shinjuku narcotics dealer, Yamamoto. “I can see why he loves this country,” Jameson’s mother told The Negi in the departure lounge at Narita. “It’s so clean, and everyone is so polite. It’s wonderful to see my little boy involved in so many activities here.”

News in Brief
  • McDonalds “Mr. James” Character Angers White Foreign Males with Overly Accurate Portrayal of White Foreign Males
  • Finance Minister Putting It All on “Ugly Cap” in the third
  • First Hatoyama-Jintao Summit Ends With Wire-Hung, Matrix-Style Kung Fu Battle
  • New “Ear Cleaning Service Shops” Prove Popular with Men Who Enjoy Paying for Oral Sex
  • Bill Clinton Offers to Negotiate Release of Any “Hot” Japanese Abductees