Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on November 2009

The Japanese remake of Alexander Payne’s 2004 Oscar-winner Sideways scored an unexpected thumbs-up from our resident eiga expert Rob Schwartz last month. Could it be that, after years of having their best work imitated by Hollywood, Japan’s directors are going to start responding in kind? If so, here are a few classics that we’d love to see given a touch of wa…

Original: The Godfather (Francis Ford Coppola, 1972)
Remake: The Oyabun
Plot: A yakuza boss from the Old Country (i.e., Saitama) claws his way to the top of the Tokyo gangland racket, all the while trying to instill a sense of honor in his sons and keep his fingers in the bargain

Original: Mad Max (George Miller, 1979)
Remake: Mad Kenji
Plot: A hot-headed highway cop in post-apocalyptic Tokyo must come to terms with the fact that, despite 90 percent of the population having been wiped out, traffic still sucks

Original: Point Break (Kathryn Bigelow, 1991)
Remake: No Break Point
Plot: A local policeman infiltrates a group of preening Shonan surfers who spend the off-season shoplifting at convenience stores

Original: Roman Holiday (William Wyler, 1953)/Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Blake Edwards, 1962)/My Fair Lady (George Cukor, 1964)
Remake: Audrey!
Plot: This triple-remake features a CG-generated Audrey Hepburn staring at the screen for 90 minutes; it soon becomes the highest-grossing Japanese film of all time

Original: Rear Window (Alfred Hitchcock, 1954)
Remake: Bedroom Window
Plot: A hikikomori becomes convinced that his neighbor has murdered his wife, but is unable to leave his room to prove it

Original: Requiem for a Dream (Darren Aronofsky, 2000)
Remake: Drugs Are Bad
Plot: A celebrity sinks into a world of depravity after taking 0.0001 grams of illicit stimulants, while a sumo wrestler is disgraced for dabbling with marijuana

Original: Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola, 2003)
Remake: Do You Speak Japanese?
Plot: A middle-aged Japanese actor in New York to play a minor part in a TV series mopes around with a younger Japanese woman and pokes quiet fun at Americans

Original: The Last Samurai (Edward Zwick, 2003)
Remake: The Real Last Samurai
Plot: A group of noble Japanese warriors takes a final stand against the wave of Westernization, without the need of assistance from any damn Yanks

Original: The Player (Robert Altman, 1992)
Remake: The Jimusho
Plot: In a stinging satire on the vapidity of show business, a bigwig at one of Japan’s top talent agencies manages to get away with murder

Original: Chinatown (Roman Polanski, 1974)
Remake: Tokyotown
Plot: While investigating a case of adultery, a tabloid journalist uncovers a web of political intrigue and institutional corruption so pervasive, his editors tell him to ignore it

Original: Hachiko: A Dog’s Story (Lasse Hallström, 2009)
Remake: Hachiko Monogatari
Plot: Japanese audiences will fall in love with this tearjerker, which tells the story of a loyal dog whose master… oh, wait