Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on September 2009

In what would be a huge about-face from its current policy, the Japanese government is mulling whether to promote the outbreak of the deadly H1N1 flu virus. The decision arises from a health ministry study highlighting the possible benefits of a massive nationwide pandemic.

Discussing the recent flu-related death of a Kansai man in his late ’70s, assistant health minister Shinde Iiyo explained, “Of course, when swine flu first broke out, we figured a pandemic would be bad. But after looking at the numbers, we have been forced to reconsider. After all, where there is a crisis, there is also an opportunity.”

Iiyo went on to list several potential benefits that could result from a nationwide swine flu pandemic. “This outbreak might just save our strained pension system and cut government costs across the board. I mean, in an absolute worst-case apocalyptic scenario, you are always going to get a seat on the train. Who doesn’t love that? Seriously, we’ve got 127 million people on an island the size of California. We could use the extra room.”

Hello Kitty Replaced as Most Ubiquitous Face in Japan by Creepy Middle-Aged Man

As Cool Biz continues into its fourth year and an increasing number of industries jump on the eco-business bandwagon, Tokyo’s world-renowned fashion houses are promising steep cuts in fabric use. Speaking this week with The Negi, Nakameguro-based designer Fukuga Naito explained, “A lot of people are saying we can’t make miniskirts any shorter. We can’t make junior high school girls’ uniforms any more transparent. We can’t reduce the amount we cover women’s breasts any further. To that, I say we must reduce our dependency on unnecessary fabric and lower our carbon footprint.”

Naito’s company is one of several Tokyo fashion houses that have promised a 20 percent reduction in miniskirt sizes by the year 2012. The initiatives have been enthusiastically received by local youth. A Negi survey of young Shibuya girls reveals that 84 percent have begun rolling up the waists of their school uniforms to increase their skin-to-clothing ratio.

Pundits across Japan had been touting last week’s Lower House election as the most important in the postwar period. Now that the campaign is over, the country moves into well chartered territory, with experts predicting that things will remain radically unaltered. According to forecasters interviewed by The Negi, in the coming months and years, the populace should expect essentially unnoticeable, insignificant changes to anything and everything.

“Basically, we’ve got to change some nameplates on the doors and move some furniture around, but that’s pretty much it,” said the superintendent of the National Diet Building from his office in Kasumigaseki. “Also, I think the cafeteria is going to take the ‘Aso Burger’ off the menu. I heard they might replace it with a ‘Hatoyama Chicken Salad’ or something. That’s a shame. It was a really good burger.”

His sense of judgment impaired after consuming eight Long Island iced teas during a series of five-minute visits to clubs and bars in search of “fun people and hot chicks,” Saitama resident George Peck singlehandedly committed himself and friends to an all-night drinking session in Roppongi. Friends of Mr. Peck implored the normally rational teacher to call it a night and consider his work obligations the following morning. But in a final statement delivered when he was last seen just before midnight, Peck declared, “F*** it. Let’s go to Modown House 4. There has got to be chicks there, or at least some trannies.”

According to eyewitnesses, Peck was seen sleeping in the Hibiya station stairwell around 9:15am, well past his first train and late for his first class of the day at GAEON English language school.

J-pop label ABEX announced the launch of what entertainment industry insiders are calling the hottest new thing in years. All-girl band Marshmallow Sunshine 2734 will release its debut album at the end of the week, and the buzz is already growing for this 2,734-member dancing and singing team, billed as the largest pop group ever assembled.

However, the excitement may be short-lived. An anonymous tipster has told The Negi that Johnnys talent agency is currently in talks to form a new supergroup with every male child aged 12-17 in the city of Sendai, northern Japan. The band, tentatively called The Sendai Boyz, would outnumber Marshmallow Sunshine 2734 by several thousand.

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