Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on January 2014
AMERICAN TOURIST DISAPPOINTED AKB48 ISN’T A GUN
A 45-year-old American soy bean farmer and tourist, Buddy Reed of Topeka, Kansas, was surprised to discover that AKB48 was “a group of 89 12-year-old girls that sing in sexy diapers” and not a “machine gun from the future,” as he expected. “I heard on the internet that over 226 million units had been sold in Japan alone and assumed it was a rifle. I mean who buys music anymore anyway? Plus, I’ve always wanted to own a rifle purchased 14 hours into the future, because that would make me a time traveler, something I’ve always bragged about being at the Dungeons & Dragons tournaments I regularly hold in my mother’s basement,” he said. “It never occurred to me that guns might be illegal in Japan. Why would they be when we Americans wrote their constitution?”
Mr. Reed remained optimistic as he stood in line waiting to buy AKB48 key chains, T-shirts and a ¥200,000 glow stick illuminated by the lost innocence of its band members. Reed remarked, “The band has grown on me over the past half hour. To be honest, it would be awkward if I wasn’t the youngest man here buying this stuff for myself.”
JAPAN DECLARED SAFEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD IF YOU ARE NOT AN UMBRELLA OR A PAIR OF PANTIES
Over the past ten years, support groups for umbrellas and women’s underwear have been popping up in lingerie shops and department stores across Japan to provide guidance and preventative measures to these statistically most-abducted populations in otherwise crime-free Japan. In the meetings, specialists advise umbrellas to be tattered or slightly rust-stained, as such defects tend to frighten the average abductor away. In a similar vein, panties are encouraged to do everything in their power to look as big and unattractive as possible. Also, once they are bought, panties are encouraged to always be hung next to at least one pair of extra, extra large men’s “tighty whities”—preferably ones that are military-grade with medals and inexplicable stains.
CHINA ACCUSES JAPAN OF BEING VOLDEMORT BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHO SAURON IS
China’s envoy to London, Lui Xiaoming, has accused Japan of acting like Lord Voldemort because, as Xiaoming explained, “Not enough people in Asia are familiar with the Lord of Mordor, which is a more accurate comparison. Frankly, the Lord of the Rings books have too many characters and it’s easy to get confused. Plus, the books emphasize that everyone has a purpose for being in this Middle Earth, even Gollum! That is not the message we’d like to convey about Japan at this particular time.”
Japan’s envoy to London, Keiichi Hayashi, was quick to respond to the accusation, replying two days later, “What are you talking about, Muggle?“
News in Brief
- Dennis Rodman Under the Impression Kim Jong Un is “Gangnam Style” Rapper Psy
- Japanese Man Camping Out for Tickets to the 2020 Olympics Actually Just Homeless
- Festival Foods Yakisoba and Deep Fried Octopus’ Life-Extending Secret Ingredient Revealed: Cigarette Ash
- Poll Reveals that 67 Percent of Japanese Women Refer to “That Time Of The Month” as “Flag Day”
- Abe Assures Ambassador Kennedy: “Don’t Worry, We Japanese Don’t Have Guns”
- Japanese Tourist in Italy Surprised Her Prada Bag Was Stolen from Cafe Seat While in the Toilet
- Jesus Polled as Japan’s Favorite American After Harry Potter
