Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on August 2009

The controversial biometric screening system installed in Japanese international airports last November is being lauded by proponents for its ability to catch foreigners entering the country illegally. In addition to four Chinese nationals who were found to have surgically altered their fingerprints to evade the sensors, Narita Airport authorities announced that they had refused entry to Jesus Christ the Risen Lord.

Held for questioning at Narita’s detention center, the Son of God admitted that this was his second coming, after an earlier attempt to enter Japan on an “expert in humanity” work visa was denied in 2005. An immigration lawyer for the One True God maintained that his client would be able to provide the necessary documentation to work as a nursing assistant, given his extensive experience of healing the sick. However, an expert familiar with the case told The Negi that “the King of Kings will likely be deported in about three days. I’ve not heard where they are sending him—possibly the Philippines, which could be good because they really like Jesus in the Philippines. I mean, they really, really like him.”

Analysts Warn Japanese Broom Technology Falling Behind Other Advanced Nations

With all the media focus on the worldwide economic recession, fears of a swine flu pandemic, and North Korean provocations, the Japanese ultra-nationalist movement is trying to draw attention back to itself by retrofitting its fleet of black minivans.

“While we have already turned the minivan into an intimidating symbol of nationalist pride, it is time for an overhaul of our fleet to drive our impassioned beliefs deeper into the national psyche,” explained spokesman Kunio Deteiku. “With the help of investments from private donors, we plan to add plasma screens to the sides of the vans that will run a video loop of the Hinomaru flag. What’s more, we plan to paint large teeth dripping with blood on the front grille. It will be the most intimidating multi-person transport vehicle the world has ever seen.”

Although it remains unclear how this move will boost the group’s popularity with the citizenry, one pedestrian told The Negi, “That really is about as bad-ass as a minivan could be. And I guess it’s also great for them to carpool to events to save on gas.”

Popular restaurant chain Tengo ended its long-running all-you-can-drink service plan earlier this week after a feasibility review made continuation of the service impossible. Speaking by phone to The Negi, Product and Services Manager Dingo Hayashi said that the two-hour, ¥2,000 nomihodai promotion had been eliminated “due to strong interest from British people.”

When the service was first conceived, Tengo based the pricing on the amount of liquor a human being could consume before blacking out or dying from alcohol poisoning. However, the data failed to take British nationals into account. Word about the all-you-can-drink offer soon spread in the UK expat community, and within days the company’s three Shinjuku branches were seeing steep losses.
British patrons, however, have their own complaints. “The staff walk so bloody slowly, it’s hard to get a buzz going,” one customer told The Negi. “It was, like, three minutes between drinks. After all, it is all-I-can-drink. And I’m not a poofter.”

By Peter Sidell
Government Allows Couples to Legally Adopt Pets
In a controversial move, the Diet yesterday passed legislation allowing married couples to legally adopt their pets. While not being fully recognized as human children, adopted pets will be included in census counts and on the electoral roll, and couples will receive benefits commensurate with those allowed for humans.

At a press conference yesterday in Nagatacho, LDP spokesman Tsutomu Nobunaga outlined the reasoning behind the move. “We felt it had become necessary to take drastic action to address the falling birthrate,” he explained. “This law will substantially increase the number of children in Japan, without imposing on parents the financial burden of actually raising a child. Even after dog years are factored in, this move will significantly reduce the average age of the Japanese population.”

Public response has been mixed. “I really think lawmakers are out of touch on this,” said one shopper in Tokyo’s upscale Omotesando district. “They need to realize that pets are accessories, not people.”

Others, however, have welcomed the move. “It’s about time the government recognized how much our little treasures mean to us,” said a housewife in Mejiro. “With Cookie-chan adopted, we can at last feel like a proper family.”

• Man Tries to Act Cool After Just Missing Train Doors
• Salaryman Successfully Uses Fan to Spread Own Body Odor on Train
• Newest Docomo Phone Allows Users to Get Calling Plan Most Suited to Blood-type
• Average Japanese Worker Expected to Take 8 Days of Vacation in 2009, 7 of Which Used for Sleeping
• Gyaru Mistakenly Deported to Indonesia