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By

Hunter Killer

Red October this ain’t

When the Russian president is kidnapped by a rogue general, it’s up to an untested U.S. submarine skipper (Gerard Butler) to navigate murky geopolitical waters and prevent World War III, yada yada. This self-important, dramatically thin and suspense-free waste of time shamelessly torpedoes its audience with a string of absurd action set pieces and thriller clichés. Most of the dialogue is yelled. Only for those who are not yet bored to death with Butler’s shallow action heroics. (122 min)

Don Morton

Don Morton has viewed some 6,000 movies, frequently awake. A bachelor and avid cyclist, he currently divides his time between Tokyo and a high-tech 4WD super-camper somewhere in North America.