Treasure trash

A couple of jacked treasure-hunting guys and a rival babe (Tom Holland, Mark Wahlberg & Sophia Ali) realize they will have to work together to find Magellan’s stash of gold or something before a patricidal maniac and purported descendant of the explorer (Antonio Banderas, menacingly glaring through his eyebrows) and his murderous (but entertainingly athletic) henchwoman (Tati Gabrielle) do. 

They globetrot photogenically, bicker, banter, decipher codes, read ancient maps, fall out of airplanes, do a lot of chop-socky, fly around in 500-year-old galleons (you read that right) and manage to make all this suspense-free and tiresome.

Apparently directed by a box-office algorithm with assistance from a couple of focus groups and aimed at keeping the cheesy green-screen industry in beer money for a while, this misnamed retread is one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever watched, and I’ve watched a few. 

This Indiana Jones rip-off breaks no new ground. It makes Dan Brown look literate and Nic Cage’s National Treasure franchise seem tastefully restrained. The Goonies was funnier. Am I being too subtle here? You should miss it twice

Note: apparently, it did unexpectedly well at the box office in its opening weekend. Do not be swayed; those butts in seats are likely fans of the video game upon which it is based who have been waiting impatiently for the movie adaptation since it was announced over a decade ago. Gamers, people. (116 min)