April 9, 2025
So I Married a Japanese Man…and These Are the Questions I Get
Intercultural relationships come with plenty of rude assumptions.
By Metropolis
Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on June 2014
I’m an American woman married to a Japanese man—and soon after our wedding, I ran headfirst into a flurry of unintentionally offensive questions and comments. Here are a few of my favorites:
1. “Are you really OK with a Japanese man?”
Any online forum on families in Japan will offer some variation of the comment, “Japan is so sexist—no wonder Japanese women prefer to marry foreigners.”
It’s a commonly stated opinion. And I’m not going to argue with the idea that Japan, like many countries, has issues with gender equality. However, people have this idea so fixed in their heads that when they meet a woman (me) happily married to a non-Western man (my husband), they have to press the issue.
People are more than their nationality or ethnicity. And demonizing the Japanese male population as “sexist pigs who cheat on their wives and have gender images stuck in the ’60s” is pretty offensive. If you’re going to judge someone by a national stereotype, then marrying anyone from the so-called “Christian West” would mean accepting your own baggage too—whether that’s rigid gender roles, a history of excluding Black voters until the 1960s, or ongoing involvement in wars across the Middle East. Yet it’s disproportionately Asian—and other non-Western—nations that get painted with these tired caricatures. I shouldn’t have to justify my decision to marry outside my ethnicity and nationality—especially to other Westerners who don’t seem to have a problem with their own Japanese wives.
How to respond: “Yes, I am. I love [insert name] for who he is—and that has nothing to do with his ethnicity, race or nationality. ”
2. “Why marry a Japanese man when you could just marry a white man?”
I get this question a lot from Japanese women—even strangers on the train. They tell me that they want to meet a white, American man (“…and do you have any friends you can introduce me to?”) because Japanese men don’t respect them. Western men seem to be this mythical dating specimen that grants “Happily Ever After” within three dates.
But this fantasy often grows out of frustration with their own experiences. The problem isn’t where they are—it’s that no location or nationality can fix the deeper issues behind an unhappy relationship. Changing the ethnicity of your partner doesn’t magically solve emotional gaps.
Hollywood films and Disney romances have long sold the image of Western men as romantic, gentle, and chivalrous—the kind who plan candlelit dinners and always pick up the check. But believing that myth is about as naïve as Westerners coming to Japan expecting life to look like an anime.
Interestingly, the recent boom in Korean dramas has sparked a similar trend: media reports say many Japanese women now see Korean men as especially desirable—proof that popular culture keeps reshaping who’s seen as the “ideal partner.”
The truth is, many Japanese men don’t respect their wives enough—but plenty of Western men don’t, either. Reducing love to nationality or race only narrows your world. By ruling out entire groups—or idealizing another—you risk overlooking the person who might actually be the one for you.
How to respond: Same as before: “I love [insert name] for who he is—and that has nothing to do with his ethnicity.”
3. “But, you know, can he really satisfy you in the bedroom?”
Excuse me? This is a straight-up racist comment I get far too often from white men—usually more a reflection of their own insecurity than anything else.
My response? “Did you really just ask a stranger about the size of her husband’s penis? This conversation is over.”
Contrary to porn-fed myths, scientific research shows no significant difference in average or median size across the globe. Individual variation is far greater than any group-level difference. It’s almost funny—straight white men are often the ones clinging to this stereotype, despite being the biggest consumers of the media that created it. And honestly, I don’t need to discuss it at all—it’s irrelevant. But for what it’s worth, most of our lived experiences don’t support the stereotype anyway.
How to respond: Just walk away. You have better things to do than talk penis sizes with some stranger.
4. “Are you translating for her/him?”
About a third of the time when my husband and I enter an establishment, the attendant will turn to my husband and ask, “Are you translating for her?” It’s become our inside joke.
In the U.S., my Japanese husband can face the same assumption—that his American partner is “helping” with the language. It often just reflects who is seen as the “native speaker” in a given country. Still, this happens more often to Westerners in Japan than the other way around.
“Don’t take it too personally,” he tells me. And it’s true—I’ve come to realize this isn’t necessarily about racism. Across the world, there are far more Japanese (and other non-Western people) fluent in English (or European languages), than there are white people fluent in Japanese or other non-Western languages. In a way, that speaks to the reality that non-Western cultures have long had to put in extra effort to navigate global systems built around Western languages and norms.
How to respond: “No, he is my [husband/boyfriend].”
And the questions my husband gets asked?
1. “Does she make you kiss her in public?”
My husband’s Japanese coworkers are fascinated by our relationship and often ask if I’m pulling him into alleyways every five minutes for an impromptu make-out session.
Public displays of affection are less common in Japan than in the U.S., but that doesn’t mean they’re forbidden. Holding hands or a quick kiss isn’t unusual—it’s simply a matter of degree and custom. The stereotype seems to be that, because I’m American, I must crave constant physical affection.
But honestly, this is irrelevant. No one approach is “better” than another. Every intercultural couple finds its own balance—some adjust more to one partner’s habits, some meet halfway. It all depends on individual preference and chemistry.
How to respond: “Yes, I kiss her in public, but not because she makes me. I kiss her because I want to.”
2. “Do you have to hug her every day and say ‘I love you’ all the time?”
Not every expression of love needs to come in those exact words. I might be more used to saying it, and he might express affection differently—and that’s okay. Over time, we’ve learned to understand and appreciate each other’s languages of love.
I still say “I love you” more often, but I never feel less loved. Now I’ve come to recognize the quiet gestures that speak just as loudly—sharing food, making tea for one another, cutting fruit, or small acts of care. And he’s started saying the words more often too, as we’ve grown together as a couple.
How to respond: ‘Happy wife, happy life.’”
Curiosity doesn’t give anyone a free pass to ask personal, awkward or prejudiced questions about someone’s life choices. My husband and I chose to spend our lives together. Doesn’t that already tell you everything you need to know?
