Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on August 2010

Foreigner Claims Douchebaginess is Actually “Intercultural Confusion”

Defending his actions in a barroom brawl that resulted in ¥800,000 in property damage and a local woman having her jaw broken, Australian Doug Neider explained that the incident was the result of “a failure to understand cultural nuance,” rather than his well-known douchebaggery. Witnesses at the scene point to Neider’s near-total intoxication, coupled with a “clear low sense of self-worth and general douchebag-like existence.” Neider, however, insists the whole thing was simply a matter of “classic culture clash.”

The incident began when the 32-year-old headhunter spilled his own beer on himself, then blamed the nearest patron for the accident. The ensuing fight was broken up by police, who arrested Neider on charges of “being a total douche.” After speaking with his client, Neider’s attorney told The Negi, “Hey, I’m his lawyer. But I gotta say this guy is a total douche.”

OL Takes Paid Holiday to Die Outside the Office

By Tony Bruin
After ten years working for Chew You Up Spit You Out Eikaiwa, office lady Junko Karoshi realized she needed a vacation. Following months of pleading and sleeping with the company president, she was finally allowed to use a paid holiday.

“Of course, I take great pride in working 20 hours a day for a minimal salary,” explained the visibly exhausted 32-year-old. “I also feel grateful that I’ve managed to keep my position after the stress of our first four bankruptcies. But this job has pushed me to the verge of death, and I refuse to die in this school!”

Karoshi begins her “See Every Country in Eurasia” tour on Saturday, with her funeral scheduled for late the following week.

After Record heat wave Gov Declares, “Screw ‘Cool Biz’”

The Cool Biz campaign, a Koizumi-era initiative that recommends lowering air conditioning to decrease Japan’s carbon footprint, has been officially abandoned. The move comes after an extensive Diet debate about climate change, energy conservation and greenhouse gas emissions. A transcript from the meeting included a heated exchange about the nuances of such a policy change:

DPJ: Atsui desu ne!
LDP: Hontoni atsui!
DPJ: Atsui ka?
LDP: Atsui yo!

A proposal was immediately put forth to raise the air conditioner to “however high it goes.” The motion was carried almost unanimously, with the lone exception of a Communist Party member from Okinawa. Added to the bill was funding to build several new nuclear power plants.

Suicide Cleanup Price War Ignites

By Peter Sidell
JR East has sparked a price war among rail operators by reducing the cleanup fee it charges to families of people who commit suicide on its tracks.

“Thanks to the prolonged recession, the number of people jumping in front of trains remains a reliable source of revenue,” explained a JR spokesman. “We decided that aggressive action was necessary to increase our share in this lucrative market sector.”

Other railway operators quickly followed suit, cutting their fees by up to 60 percent or, in some cases, offering extra incentives to attract potential suicides.

“I was of two minds about living or dying,’ said Shunsuke Hashimoto, 24, from his perch on the edge of a platform in Kanagawa, “but it was the thought of saving money for my family that finally swung it for me. That and the cuddly toy phone strap for my sister to remember me by.”

Beverage Wars Peak as Asahi Bottles Sweat from Boy-Band Members

In an unprecedented move, beverage maker Asahi has bottled the sweat of all five members of mega-selling J-pop band Smap. Pushed by recent launches of cutting-edge drinks like Pepsi Cucumber and Azuki-flavored Coke, Asahi says the new product is the first of its kind.

The drink has been approved for sale despite concerns about the possibly catastrophic effects that the bodily secretions of Shingo Katori might have on consumers. A health ministry spokesman noted that previous sports drinks have used sweat taken from Pocaris, but as they are fictional creatures, concerns were limited.

Not to be outdone, beverage giant Suntory has announced the launch of a new drink called Gackt Smackt. However, government health experts report that early versions of the product contained unacceptably high levels of glitter and estrogen.