Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on August 2010

©2010 TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX

The plot barely exists, the dialogue’s dumb, the characters are shallow, the action’s pointless, and it lacks the smallest trace of intellectual stimulation. Hey—it’s Sex and the City for males! This mildly entertaining two hours of preposterone-fuelled, compacted trash is based, of course, on the cheeseball ’80s TV show starring George Peppard and Mr. T. The series was about an elite quartet of Army Rangers, Vietnam vets (updated to Iraq vets here), who go on the lam after being framed for a crime. Here’s the lineup, then. (Lineups are what you do when you don’t have much else to say.) Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson) is the team’s gruff, wisecracking alpha male. The mohawked B.A. Baracus is played by the very large wrestler Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, who tries hard but falls a tad short of Mr. T’s “amoletchoolive” attitude. Bradley Cooper does the womanizing Faceman honors, and Sharlto Copley gets the most laughs as Mad Murdock, the team’s brilliant but unhinged pilot. Also Patrick Wilson, Jessica Biel and Brian Bloom. The fact that everyone is annoyingly smug saps the suspense, but if you can abide the inanity, you won’t be bored.