Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on December 2012

Film critics rejoice! This lazy, ten-hour assemblage of gloomy glares, mythology mutilation, self-absorption, pointless plots and—of course—ripped abs, adapted from a quartet of addled adolescent books, is finally over. This ’tweener film product all culminates in a campy riot of screensaver SFX, a final battle to the death between a UN of “good” vampires against the Italian “bad” vampires, in which everyone dies. Or not. There’s humor, albeit more often unintentional than not, and a coda neatly ties up all the lose ends while tossing in a disturbing hint of—of all things—pedophilia. Ick.