“I’ve been dating him for a year and he’s never said ‘I love you.’ Should I be worried?”

That came up during lunch with a friend who had just started seeing someone Japanese. I shrugged and said, “Well…has he made you lunch, fixed your bike and walked you home in the rain?” She nodded. “Then yeah, he probably loves you. He just hasn’t said it.”

In Japan, saying aishiteru [I love you] out loud can feel as dramatic as proposing. It’s not that love doesn’t exist here—it’s just not usually spelled out in words. At least not the three big ones that are so casually tossed around in English. And that puzzled me too, back when I first moved here. So let’s break down why Japanese People don’t say “I love you.”

The weight of “I love you” in Japanese

In English, “I love you” stretches across a wide range of situations. You can say it to your spouse, your dog or even a slice of pizza. But in Japanese, aishiteru is rarely used. It’s formal, heavy and, honestly, kind of intense. I once said it to a Japanese friend during a language exchange and she blinked like I’d just proposed marriage. “That’s…really deep,” she said.

Instead, most people say suki [like] or daisuki [really like], even in serious relationships. It might sound mild in translation, but in context, it says a lot. Saying suki da yo with a straight face to someone you care about carries emotional weight—it’s not flippant.

It’s about what you do, not what you say

In Japanese culture, actions often speak louder than declarations. A partner who warms up your bath, remembers your coffee order or walks on the side of the road closer to traffic? That’s love. Quiet, consistent love.

It’s not a country of big, dramatic gestures. In fact, flashy declarations can feel insincere or immature. One time, I asked a friend why she rarely said “I love you” to her husband. She said, “Why should I say it? I make his bento every day.”

Touché.

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Historical roots and reserved communication

Language reflects culture, and Japan has long valued indirectness and restraint. Emotional control and maintaining harmony—wa—are built into the social fabric. You don’t shout your feelings in public here; you subtly hint at them.

Historically, even in literature and poetry, Japanese writers expressed love through seasonal metaphors, imagery or longing. Think less “I love you” and more “the moonlight tonight reminds me of your absence.” Romantic, but coded.

Even today, you’ll see love expressed in ways like:

• Writing a cute note in a packed lunch
• Giving omiyage [souvenirs] after a trip
• Quietly showing up at someone’s side when they need help

The influence of media (and awkward translations)

Japanese dramas and anime sometimes throw in aishiteru, but often only in climactic scenes. That’s the emotional equivalent of the final kiss in a rom-com—it’s not everyday language.

Also, Japanese-to-English subtitles often stretch meanings. A character might say suki but the translation reads “I love you.” The nuance gets lost. So Western viewers expect verbal affection that doesn’t always match real-life Japanese behavior.

So…do Japanese people fall in love?

Of course they do. But saying “I love you” isn’t the proof—it’s in the little things.

If your Japanese partner hasn’t said those words, look at what they do: do they remember the small stuff? Do they check in on you when you’re sick? Help you carry groceries home? That’s their way of saying it, without needing to say it.

And for what it’s worth, when someone does say aishiteru, it lands with power. It’s not casual. It’s not a habit, it’s a choice. That alone makes it kind of special.

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Final thought: Don’t look for the words. Look for the care.

I used to think love had to be loud—roses, poems, grand gestures. But living in Japan taught me that love can be quiet, steady and unsaid. Sometimes, it’s in the small acts we overlook: letting you have the last bite, offering an umbrella without asking, showing up even when nothing’s been said.

It might not sound like a rom-com, but it feels real.