Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on October 2012

One day, perhaps soon, they’ll use this movie for a class on “How Not to Make an Action Thriller.” First, cobble together a nonsensical script from better movies, being careful to avoid the slightest trace of imagination or originality. Don’t put a lot of effort into this, but be sure to add a lot of redundant exposition. Actually make the mcguffin a friggin’ briefcase. There you go. Then, hire a good-looking young hunk for the lead, but vet all hopefuls for any hint of bothersome talent. Henry Cavill, who’s slated to be Superman next summer, would be a good bet. Man of Steel? Hah. Man of Wood. Thirdly, add a couple of easily recognizable, established stars who are perhaps not as discriminating about roles as they once were and maybe have some bills to pay, and give them tiny parts. Say, Bruce Willis and Sigourney Weaver. Note: constant vigilance will be necessary to keep them from actually rolling their eyes at the preposterous lines you’re giving them to say, but they’ll look good on the poster. Finally, top it off with an ending that’s an anticlimax and a cheat. Nobody’s going to be awake by then anyway.