A mad scientist on a planet far, far away creates an indestructible yet highly destructive little monster, which escapes and heads toward Earth. It splashes down in Hawaii and is adopted by Lilo, a lonely young girl who thinks it’s a puppy, or at least a koala, and names it “Stitch.” Madcap antics and naughtiness ensue.

Meanwhile, evil, creatively barren film execs in Southern California are on a decades-long crusade to churn out soulless and bloated live-action remakes of Disney’s renowned catalogue of animated classics. The suits in the Magic Kingdom have never understood that just because you have the technology to do something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. Because higher tech often takes the magic away.

I vaguely remembered the 2002 Lilo & Stitch and the general plot line. But nothing stood out, so I wouldn’t really call it “memorable.” Seeking an angle on this new cash grab, I watched it again. It was fun for this kind of thing, even heartwarming in spots. This retread alternates between annoying, cloying, and frantic. Didn’t crack a smile. Not once.

I chalk up the movie’s good box office to parents desperate to find something to divert their kids for a while. Oh, and the Mouse House wants me to remind you to buy the plushies and other merch. It’s what they do. (108 min)

Out in theatres now.

Are you curious to read more reviews of new films from Disney? Head to Don Morton’s review of Snow White and Moana 2.