Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on October 2011

Alexandre Dumas is spinning in his grave like the DVD to which this morceau de merde should have gone directly. Crap director Paul W. S. Anderson, who’s currently under artistic indictment for the Resident Evil franchise, apparently thought Al’s story, which has been enthralling readers for 167 years, needed some 3D punching up, and so has added his bad-actress wife Milla Jovovich as a kick-ass spy, giant physics-ignoring airborne battleships, a diamond heist, moronic one-liners and a d’Artagnan so colossally vacuous he makes Keanu look like a Rhodes Scholar. One of the Worst. Movies. Ever. Made.